My heart and my soul feels so rejuvenated tonight that I can’t contain it and I NEED to tell someone! The Lord is so amazingly beautiful in the way He works things out. Everything (and everyone) in my life is being so strategically placed by Him, and it is too hard to ignore!
The past 3 weeks I have gone to 3 different churches, and heard close to the same message at each one! (You think maybe God is trying to tell me something?) He has placed the passioned, beautifully-hearted and joyfully-souled Aubrey back into my life, who just exuberates God’s love and mercy in everything she says and does. My conversations with her not only motivate me to seek that passion I once had, but to long for it. You know that feeling? That deep yearning that you get down in your gut, your uttermost being. That feeling where you not only become aware, but actuallybelieve that you can’t get through the day without the grace and mercy of God pouring in (and out) of you. I haven’t felt that in a long time, even though I’ve desired to have it back.
My struggle these past few weeks has been to reignite my passion and fire for God. I mentally want it, and sometimes even physically feel the need for it, but when it comes down to it I ….I just can’t. For some unexplainable reason. It’s like my body just won’t allow me to submit myself back into that place of peace and rest…..and grace. It physically resists prayer and getting in the Word, even though I can feel my insides crying out for it. I have wrestled with it to the point of wanting to break down and cry, but my body won’t even allow that to take place.
Just yesterday, I was talking to Aubrey about this. About my desire to spend time with God again, but not being able to actually do it. The only time I can get close to feeling His presence connect with my Spirit is when I’m singing during worship. But still, even then, my body holds back from what it actually wants to do (sing at full force, falling to my knees in ultimate surrender and completely absorbed in the presence of my God). Her solution: we spend time with God together. My body instantly resisted to that even though my smile showed acknowledgment.
And then tonight happened. The wonderful, glorious way that God spoke loud and clear to me about what HE wants for me and FROM me. The Christmas concert at the Flood took place tonight. It was an evening of complete and total worship- which I love. But not just any worship, it was all Christmas songs– which i LOVE even more. How did they know that the closest I feel to God is when I sing Christmas songs? (Sounds odd doesn’t it?) It was so amazing that I went twice! They played each and every Christmas song that speaks to the depths of my heart every December. The songs where I close my eyes and get so in-the-zone that I don’t even know what is going on around me, or that my voice is singing so loudly I’m almost shouting. The songs that speak right into my soul, the music that speaks the language of my inner self.
So after over 6 months of tormented resistance from worship, for the first time tonight Isang. I let go of all inhibitions and I sang. I poured out my soul back to God and I let myself go and I sang my heart out!!
And then…something even more amazing happened. “O Holy Night” was the next song they played. For those of you who know me, you know that this is my song. This ismy song. This song has NEVER failed me. I even play it during the summer sometimes because I love it so much. When college chapel would sing O Holy Night during their Christmas service, my roommates would always lean in to listen to me sing this song. It is my ultimate, favorite song of all time. And Juanita and the band just happened to play it tonight.
I lost myself completely. And then, I fell to my knees. Tears flowing, hands pressed against my heart, feet tapping to the percussion beats, eyes squeezed so tightly shut that I couldn’t see or hear or feel anything around me. It was the most beautiful moment I have experienced in a LOOOOONG time! This description isn’t even doing justice for what took place on that floor in that sanctuary tonight. GOD IS SO GOOD! He knows me so well, and He knows my heart. I am so, so grateful for that. I am so indebted to Him. He is awesome!
O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Til’ He appeared, and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn,
FALL ON YOUR KNEES!
Oh hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born.
O night, O holy night, O night divine!
Truly He taught us to love one another.
His law is love and his gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother.
And in His name, all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy, in grateful chorus raise we.
Let all within us praise His holy name.
CHRIST IS THE LORD!
Oh praise His name forever!
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
FALL ON YOUR KNEES!
Oh hear the angle voices!
O night, O night when Christ was born.
O night divine! O night, O holy night, O night divine.